Chan Chu, the mighty one

Do you fear the mighty Chan Chu? I do. This beast is fiercer than a stormsloth and even more hideous than barry the booger.

Some of you may ask what a Chan Chu is. QUAKE in your boots puny humans. I shall reveal unto you what this demonic creature is. Behold the great Chan Chu:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three-legged_money_frog

So according to fengshui you keep eight of these bad boys in your living room and moolah will promptly start waltzing in.

I have serious doubts about the effectiveness of this procedure. It do be a three legged frog sitting on a pile of small change with a coin in its mouth, right? Then clearly it is a specimen of crippled beggar. A vietnam war vet or possible victim of a hungry frenchman. If you pass one on the street it will call you sir and try to bum a ciggy off you. And therefore it cannot possibly work in making you wealthier. Have you ever seen a hobo attract wealth? Eight hobos? I don't froggin think so. What you have here instead, is a first-rate wealth deterrent. Frog you feng shui, frog you.

Erudicate

What does erudicate mean? I thought it doesn't mean anything. In fact I had made that up by combining educate with erudite with hints of eradicate.

I looked it up in dictionary.com and wikipedia and neither had it. Yet a google search reveals nearly 90 results.

Most of them are mispellings of eradicate (one letter difference only) or educate and erudite (you have to be an idiot to mispell them so badly) and there are a few references for a malaria medicine by that name. Go malaria! Anopheles, you rock!

Curious Eye - Writing Pieces

A handsome , erudicate and talented self - made man whose selfish regard for himself leads him to exploit everyone around him in his quest for money ... www.curiouseye.com/n_writing_scor2.htm - 13k - Supplemental Result - Cached - Similar pages

Yahoo! Answers - What visual would make you feel bad that people ...

How can you erudicate poverty ? Answers International : United States United Kingdom Canada Australia India. Yahoo ! does not evaluate or guarantee the ... answers.yahoo.com/question/?qid=1006041410884 - 34k - Supplemental Result - Cached - Similar pages [ More results from yahoo.com ]

Wilmott Forums - Don't Say Nuthin Bad about My ChimpySo erudicate me , if all societies have engaged in actions that have been deemed by some party as self - serving and / or interventionist , why ever bother ...

eBay Polska Lista sprzedającego celerettcertus9523029559, 22 - 05 - 2006, 29 - 05 - 2006 16 : 13 : 44 CEST, US $0 , 99, Dominicana - 1963 Malaria / Erudicate Mosquito FD Cover, gustadom ( 18 ) ...
cgi6.ebay.pl/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewListedItems& userid=celerettcertus&sort=1%20&page=1%20&r... - 23k - Supplemental Result - Cached - Similar pages


So these are idiots of the minor variety. Then there are two inexplicable uses where neither educate, eradicate or erudite apply. It appears that there are some people who think it is a real word with some uknown meaning. These are master morons.

"Only a barking idiot would go on to describe, analyze, and erudicate every crevice of this film; it's great, all right? What must be mentioned, however..."

"Erudicate finger in the direction of down . Right index finger , the key of comma , yet abject of the Less Than ..."


I have hence proved once again that net people are idiots.

A gift from heaven....for my bunghole

>Do without toilet paper man, what kind of Asian are you?

Toilet paper is not a right, it is a privilege. Some of you seem to have forgotten that. Even as we speak there are Somalians with no TP for their bungholes. Some of them do not even have bungholes. It is the pinnacle of civilization. Non TP cultures have always been destroyed. Remember that.

I for one deign to use no less than Cottonelle® Toilet Paper with Aloe & E. Since you are ignorant uncultured ingrates I have pasted valuable info from the Cottonelle website FAQ section.

1. Cottonelle® Toilet Paper with Aloe & E has a silky, gentle feel. It has the same great Ripples® as regular Cottonelle® Toilet Paper with the softness you expect but with an extra gentle touch! You have to feel it to believe it. Look for it in the bright green package!

*If anything is going to touch my anus, damn right I expect it to be silky, gentle and rippled.

2. Is Cottonelle® Toilet Paper safe for sewer and septic systems?
Yes, Cottonelle® Toilet Paper is safe for sewer and septic systems

*I don't care if it killed dolphins and turtles , I would still use it.

3. Is Cottonelle® Toilet Paper with Aloe & E made with any recycled fiber?
No, it is made with virgin wood fibers.

*Virgin wood fibers, sigh. Imagine that, entire forests are felled for your rectum. This would enhance anyone's post-feces moment. Everyone knows that fibers are better than fibres.

So now that you have been erudicated, go forth and wipe your arse. Say no to skidmarks.

Fragment of song lyrics

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong jacket

Exorcist

Outside it thundered and stormed. Within the chamber there was a rumbling of a different storm. A man was fighting the demons within. Veins on his forehead bulged as he roared. "Out! Out! Leave my corpus, be gone to Hades!” The fight had not been in his favour but he would not succumb. He prayed to his gods for courage, gathered all his strength and performed the ritual of exorcism.

However, the demons were strong and they would not leave painlessly. Some were expelled the remainders seemed to increase in number. They sent shooting pain through his body and he gasped, unable to breathe.

"Leave me! Why?!" He did not understand why he was being punished so.

Somewhere in his head a voice whispered. "For the lives you consumed, for the life. We are the vengeance of innocent souls"

In the madness and pain, he knew that the voice was his own and he knew the words to be true. He had fed on life and delighted in it. Yet now, only the stench of death surrounded him. In his weakened state the demons struck again.

"Mercy" he whispered in a hoarse voice, tears in his eyes. "No more, no more".

The battle raged on, man versus the vengeful spirits. He was nearly broken but he would not be defeated and in the end his body was exhausted, slick with sweat and the demons were gone. A peace settled over his features, the worst was over. He prayed in gratitude to the gods and proceeded to perform the ritual of cleansing.

He glared in consternation at the rod devoid of the sacred parchment. The ceremony could not be completed.

"Dang, I'm out of toilet paper. Never gonna eat oysters again." He muttered to himself




Some of you may think that exorcisms are amusing but even the holiest and most virtuous succumb to the whispers of the evil one. Even Mother Teresa had an exorcism performed on her.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/1529093.stm

It is quite unlikely that the symptoms were due to old age and senility. Satan likes nothing better than to give old people insomnia. Satan also likes to hide the TV remote. He's a cheeky one, he is.

Family Guy joke methodology

In a recent episode of South Park I learnt that the Family Guy scriptwriters are manatees. The manatees randomly select a few words/phrases and the joke is made out of that set. As Cartman noted, the jokes are not derived from the plot. Mostly everyone knows that Cartman is always right, mostly.

So here is a list I would like to see them try and make a gag out of:

1. the Tower of Silence
2. My Little Pony
3. a Rat's Ass
4. Pompatus of Love
5. a Monkey's Uncle
6. Intergalactic Planetary
7. Kwisatz Haderach

This mighty challenge is beyond their abilities so I will apply my gravity inducing intellect to the task. Combining* all these I get:

'bah weep graaagnah wheep ni ni bong'

This is coincidentally the universal greeting of the Transformers. If you were unable to recognise any of the references above, you are an idiot. Even if you can identify them, there is a high chance that you are and will persist in being an idiot.



* Chacha Zeminky's brain works faster than a 386 running Windows 95 whose hard disk needs defragmentation.

Thunderbird and firefox

Regular, ordinary and otherwise absolutely worthless animals can me made to seem cooler by adding an elemental prefix to their names. Examples of these can be seen in the Mozilla world: Firefox and Thunderbird.

Foxes and birds are retarded animals worthy only of being hunted in a cruel and barbaric manner, yet a Thunderbird seems to be a powerful animal and Firefox a noble beast.

Many of these enhanced creatures can be found naturally in nature E.g. fire ants, water snakes, fireflies, lightning bugs, snow leopards, thundercats.

So for my own safety and protection, I have decided to breed some ferocious beasts of my own:

Airmonkey
Thundersnail
Stormsloth
Fireturnip
Icehedgehog
Water hyacinth
Lightningbat
Windpigeon
Barbequed Spare Ribs
and the mighty Snoweasel.

What? Are you threatening me? Hah! Your pikachu is no match for my windpigeon.

Happiness

And so I investigated this thing called 'Happiness'. Where does one learn about happiness and joy? From books? No. From songs? No. From religion? No. From wise men on mountains? No. To learn about happiness one must go to the internet and specifically to wikipedia.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Happiness

As you read this article, you notice something. The author is an idiot.

He/she has a section on happiness in non-human animals and artificial intelligence. That is crap. Everyone knows that animals and robots are our slaves. What is a non-human animal anyway? Then, in the cited study, intimate relations and meditation rank higher than watching tv. Garbage.

Having destroyed this net moron I'm so happy I could shit out a Care Bear.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Care_bear

Beware of the Care Bear stare.

conversing with experts

As a rule of thumb, when conversing with experts avoid dealing with their area of speciality. For example, don't try and talk to a star wars nerd about star wars. They will tell you that Han Solo shot first in the original version. Subsequently it was changed to show him to be more honourable. How the hell can I be expected to notice and remember this crap? Therefore I would avoid such a conversation in the first place.

At the other end of the spectrum you may need avoid an area of specialisation so that you do not shame the person you are talking to. For example, don't talk about toilets to janitors. Sure they must know a lot about commodes and turds but surely they might have other things to talk about too?

I was waiting for the lift so that I could make my escape for a long weekend and the janitor was waiting there too. He's a pleasant guy always smiling and cheerful and we were making small talk to bide the time. He asked if my office was closed on monday and I said yes and he said that was good because he was not working on monday so it would be not be cleaned. After a moment of reflection he complimented us for being a clean floor unlike the 27th floor. He shook his head in disgust when I ventured to ask if the 27th floor was dirty. He shook his head again to emphasize how filthy and unhyigienic they were. So that was his expert opinion and as deputy fire warden of the 22nd floor, I respect that. Stupid, unidimensional janitor.

They have come to save us all

After five years, superman has come back to save us all. But in the excitement of superman's return and the workout he got lifting that new continent and all, some events have gone unnoticed. Mainly that superman is not the only one to have returned after many years. Thats right, other heroes have made their way back here, no doubt to save us all.

Three of the five heroes were in hanes ads. There was an ad with Michael Jordan and Kevin Bacon neither of whom had been seen in years. The ad suggested that the two of them live together in a big house playing games with each other. The home-erotic tensions between them makes me want to buy hanes right now.

In another hanes ad I saw Mr. T. For the younger amongst you, Mr T. is a super strong hero, possible second only to the Hulk in strength. I believe he would pity the fool that doesn't wear hanes.

Then I saw McGyver doing the Mastercard ad. Priceless.

Lastly, I saw Godzilla doing a doritos ad. I'm glad to see the big guy back on his feet and working again. He was going through a tough time earlier what with the getting tangled in a bridge and being shot full of missiles. Police brutality hadn't been so bad since the two kings, Rodney and Kong.

So do the right thing, go out and use your mastercard to buy doritos and hanes. And remember to be like supey and wear your burgundy briefs outside your pants. Or be like the Hulk and wear purple shorts. Maybe he should be plugging Hanes too.

A new motto

It is rare that one undergoes a fundamental change in one's approach to life. It is especially unusual that I have had such a revelation in the twilight of my years. Perhaps I was fool not to recognize my own mortality even though I am elderly. In the past week I was struck by a severe illness and nearly died. Each day seemed like the last and when I recuperated I knew it was time to become a new person.

Like a sign from heaven, the Linux QOTD was something that seemed to be written for me. So here it is, a new motto for man born again:

"Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate."

I am lead to believe it is from Asimov's Foundation's Edge but I couldn't be bothered to confirm it. This will be my second favourite quote after

"Put your knickers on and make me a cup of tea!"