Friday, June 13, 2008

A moment, but what kind?

so if I managed to poop out six turds in one sitting (or rather shall we say inning?) does that count as the DLF Maximum? What do you think Gavaskar?

it would be a Mahindra Moment for sure.



Thursday, June 12, 2008

the whining of giants or is it the giant of whinings?

There are many contenders for whiners:

Jamie Cullum
Shah Rukh Khan
Nicolas Cage
50 cent
Saurav Ganguly
Kogi Kashewnut
Bono

So many, many whiners but there is one and only Rick Price.

The song 'Heaven Knows' is perhaps the most primordial nasal whine ever.

If you see Rick Price, slap him. Slap him real hard.





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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

An IPL tale of loins and lusts

Barry sat inches away from his TV. His tongue hung slack from his grotesque jaw as drool trickled down his neck. Concentrating was hard work. Junior booger walks in.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jr asks.

Sr. Booger doesnt break his staring competition with pixels.
"What do you thinks? I am being watching IPL to checking for match fixings."

Jr. Booger is intrigued.
"What are you looking for? Signals?"

The primary booger is delighted.
"Yes! Yes! Yes! Signals, codes, secret messages,hot male cheerleaders!"

Jr becomes pensive and perplexed.
"Signals and codes. That makes sense. But, uh, male cheerleaders?"

Barry clears his throat warily.
"No No. No male cheerleaders I tell you. Ignore that. That is inner voice only talking. Not for you. Mind your own business, OK?"

Jr tries to change the subject
"Jeez, ok so have you found any patterns?"

Booger is elated
"Yes! Yes! The mens from chennai are having the most fabulous coloured uniforms. Oh Oh code patterns you are asking about? Yes there is a pattern and it is clearly emanatings from Tendulkars loins."

Jr is resigned to the role fate has scripted for him.
"Alright tell me about this Tendulkar 'thing'. Though lord knows I'd rather not ask"

Booger puts on his intelligence glasses and chomps down on a pipe for enhanced imagery.
"Well young un. I say ahem. Actually what I am askings is have you not noticed that he is touching his loins quite frequently?"

Jr's eyes widened.
"By Jove! You're right. He is adjusting his crotch frequently in every single match. Such behaviour can be interpreted as a pattern for a cricketer. For example. 2 adjustments in an over means hes going to drop his wicket. 3 means he will try for a boundary and so forth"

Now booger looked perplexed.
"A pattern that indicates match fixing. Yes that is certainly possible. And to think I was just looking at his loins because i like to.....er...no that is inner voice's business not yours. I am only looking for matching fixes not at hunky sachin's loins. And i have seen both!"

Jr makes a supreme effort to forget the last 10 seconds of his life. He speaks slowly so the booger would understand.
"Um but that would mean that you are saying that Sachin Tendulkar is involved in match fixing."

Booger glares across the room.
"How dare you. Just how are you daring to make such blasphemous statement? Would you like it if i made fun of your father?"

"Um we have the same parents. Anyway thats besides the point. You just said you found suspicious signals from Tendulkar. So Sachin may be involved in match fixing."

Booger narrows his eyes suspiciously.
"Same parents you say? Tis intriguing that we have more in common than being brothers and having the same last name. I will keep this in mind."

"Will you get past that, you retarded turd. What about Tendulkar's guilt?"

Booger roared in outrage
"Sachin is innocent! I love him. I did not say he is involved in match fixing. It is not possible.

Jr. is enraged too
"Then just what on earth are you going about. There are signals but Tendulkar is not involved?"

The booger is adamant
"He is too pure and angelic for such sins and a boost boy also. And that is all I have to ever say about this topic.

Upon receiving skeptical glares from jr he concedes.
"Sachin is innocent I say. His crotch however maybe not so clean in this matter."










Thursday, June 05, 2008

hai hai hai hia

meri chunri chhoti ho gayi, mein kya karoon? hai hai hai hai
meri kamar patli ho gayi, mein kya karoon? hai hai hai hai
meri something-something* lambi ho gayi mein kya karoon? hai hai hai hai

These are valid questions that may be asked by someone who has recently become a 'satra baras ki ladki'. Even so, we may find ourselves raising eyebrows at the premise that this is what the female youth of India's today is concerned with. We may be even more perplexed when  such questions are asked by a 29 year old male.

Fortunately i will not be asking those questions. At least not today.

I would like to make a statement though: the mice in my garbage room remind me of lizards the way they keep crawling vertically.

Dammit just take the peanut butter** from the mouse trap and I swear i will release you in a pristine part of NJ far far away from nyc. hai hai hai hai


*if you expect me to remember the lyrics you are an idiot.
**I even replaced Skippy with the organic good stuff you snooty little vermin