physically, physically fit

*And so I went for an annual checkup solely because i wanted my testicles felt up. That is not why I went but it is true that they were felt up.

*The good news, my weight was 190 pounds which is lower than my estimate of 200 pounds which would have put me in the heavyweight category and prevented me from competing for the cruiserweight title.

*The bad news, my height was discovered to be five foot eight inches, a good two and a half inches lower than what I told the nurse. It was embarrassing and demoralizing. Clearly someone has stolen 2.5 inches and 10 pounds from me. I would like them returned please.

*I also ate an ostrich burger which quite like the overgrown bird was flightless and insipid.

*I went into a costume store and this oversized cockroach caught my eye. It was a two foot long very realistic looking critter. As I admired it, a kid snatched it out my hand, said thanks and ran away with it. Perhaps some sort of vermin rescue mission.

*I went back to the store the other day, under pressure from Zen, and liberated a noble giant cockroach in my own personal vermin rescue mission. I shall call him mini-me...

Starbucks vs Me: Part II

And so I dared mentioned, in passing, the name of mighty Starbucks.

The very same day I get a hit from Seattle with Starbuck's ISP. The referring link was nothing more than a search for the word Starbucks in blogger.com.

I tried the same search and I got 869,400 posts with me being page 10. What kind of horrible job requires you to look through each and every Starbucks related posting? Nasty.

This posting added one more site to some Starbuck's loser's daily web search. Ha ha.

Joy & Desolation

***
Desolation is eating all the little M&Ms and being left with a lifeless empty packet. Joy is finding one last M&M in a packet you thought was finished. Then after you eat it, the packet is really empty and the last M&M is no more. That is  real desolation

**
The ideal way to eat M&Ms is to first spill them into a colourful pile on your desk. Then eat the inferior ones first saving the best for last. The sequence for consumption is orange, green, blue, yellow, red, brown. The brown ones being the superior species of M&Ms. Diseased and deformed ones should be eaten first regardless of colour. Blue and yellow are similarly rated in desirability so the eater may wish to change the sequence to suit their personal tastes.

**
The milk carton is still in the fridge.That is if it can still be called milk. It terrorizes the lower shelves and is weakening homeland security. I know its watching me. Surely someone would have the decency to throw it out. Surely that person is not me. So I'm watching it right back.

*
And so I asked for a shot of espresso in my hot chocolate and the lady at Starbucks looked at me as if I had put a puppy in a microwave. What did I do wrong?

**
After much seeking i have accidentally found the mother of all blogs:
http://monkeydaynews.blogspot.com
Now I need a similar site to tell me about drunken elephant antics.

***
And so Ashal reports discovering a brand new kind of vodka that was the smoothest vodka he'd ever had. "its way better than ketelone and all that other shit" Bold words. He claims he had seven shots and it was quite a wonderful find. Some amount of interrogation leads us to believe that he was talking about Patron Silver. An expensive brand of tequila. Ashal is an idiot.

more on TP

Two signs of the decline of western civilization are- the unwillingness to adopt the bidet (that's 'bum shower' to you), combined with the sandpaper-like TP that exists in most public establishments.

Thus a weekend of visiting the facilities in various bars in one large american city has left me feeling like I dropped my soap in the prison showers.

"Nobody makes me bleed my own blood", I yelled in my best Ben Stiller way.

The stupid TP wasn't listening.

Kiss me i'm spicy

****
I've said it before and I'll say it again, you are nobody if you don't have a peon. All the bigwigs on wall street should have peons. I need a peon to sit on a rickety chair outside my cubicle salaaming me every morning. He'll bob his head whenever I say something and repeat 'Yes Sir' like a mantra. He will smell funny and smoke beedis and bring me tepid watery tea and play cards with the driver but he will be my very own peon.

*****
First there were drinksnacks then by the grace of the salamander there were bustrains. Soon in the near future, unexpectedly words will fusemerge to create a new language. If you cant talkspeak this new language you are a dumbstupid.

***
Its fun to pee when the urinals have ice in them. You gotta target one particular ice cube and pee it out of existence.Teach it a lesson on mortality and impermanence! Die ice, Die!

***
Pop music is what people younger than you listen to. Pop is churned out by people younger than you so, by definition, it has to be crap. Today's angsty teen bands have names like the cherry orchard manatees or rubber syringe desecrators or tofu logicians  or porcelain portobellos or highway oxymorons or fewl despots or crackerjack bunions or herpes honour gang or papaya kungfu kings or pap smear warriors and are just retarded. I made up all those names. If someone would like to use them please pay me money. If any of these are actually your band's name, you must be uber retarded. Pop music sucks. 80's music on the other hand is gold.

****
To avoid going blind listening to pop (yes that happens) listen to tried and tested bands from the past. Unfortunately, by the time I get into a band's music and would really love to see them live in concert they have degraded in quality or disbanded or died or worse yet, not died as in the case of the stones. Die you parchment coated skeletons, die!

**
Don't you just love how sushi chefs slice the fish into thin delicate morsels with loving attention to presentation? Well I don't.  I just want to eat big chunks of raw fish. One day I will go into the kitchen and stab the puny sushi chef with a chopstick and grab a big ass piece of fish with both hands and eat it like a bear.

Bombay, Grand old lady of the Arabian Sea

Grand in the corpulent sense. Old in the foul mouthed, no longer bathes, crazy way.

Ah, what can I say about the denizens of this large and filthy city? Well if I was in the 'if you don't have anything nice to say....' school of though I would probably have nothing to tell you about those skunks.

It has always been a large and filthy city. This has now changed. That's right, the name has recently changed. Mumbai is what the scum of the city affectionately refer to their nauseating home as. As affectionately as you can under threat of bodily harm by shiv sainiks. Much of Bombay's forward and progressive culture is driven by this threat of bodily harm by shiv sainiks. Boy I wish I had such a wonderful team of hoodlums beating the wicked western ways out of me. Slowly but surely they will rid the shit-hole of moral turpitude such as holding hands, looking at the sea, valentine's day, pants, watching fashion tv, deodorant use etc.

I have been to mumbai only twice. It is a peaceful, slow, sterile place. Or so it appeared to be the case as I was fortunately restricted to the transit lounge in the airport both times thus spared the traumatizing sights and smells of India's very own version of Calcutta.

Mumbaikars as they like to refer to their morally bankrupt species, are idiots. I believe I have covered all there is to know about bombay. Bombay sucks turd.

mystery quote

and so I read this quote today and its funny as hell. However I have no idea what it means. Given that it is by Germaine Greer, one wonders if it has some male-bashing or hot lesbian overtones that I may be oblivious to. Could it be just a light hearted pop soundbyte from a grouchy old feminist loony? Anyhoo here's the quote:

Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
-- Germaine Greer

To be able to explain this to me you must have the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man.

tsimo

On Friday, a colleague at work remarked that the milk in the fridge was bad and had the consistency of ricotta cheese. Its now Monday and I find the milk carton remains in its shelf. It was thoughtful of him to leave it there for others to delight in the discovery of curdled milk. It was even more considerate of me to have not thrown it out last Thursday when I had found it spoiled.


Meanwhile in Delhi, cycle rickshaws are being banned in a heavily congested area.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/5388374.stm

A sensible idea although the rickshaw drivers (pullers? operators?) do fear for their livelihoods. One of them released this dire warning:

"We're poor people, so what else can we do?" asks one rickshaw-puller, Dravida.

"If we can't do this we will have to turn to crime or return to our villages."

Beware the hordes of scrawny, underfed rickshaw wallahs who may threaten you with their puny physiques.  This reminds me of my college days when three or four of us would clamber onto a rickshaw to go uphill in the sweltering heat and then bicker with half-dead rickshaw wallah for a three rupee fare instead of four.  Ah the good old days.


In other news, the mickey mouse balloon had been replaced by what must be the mother of all inflated rats. This giant balloon rat stood at least thirty feet high glowering down at the puny mortals that dare cross the union line. We bow to you oh enormous balloon rat.


Scrabble has turned out to have some pretty shitty allowables as I learnt this weekend. Almost any two or three letter combination is allowed. The phonetic pronounciation of alphabets is ok. What the hell is up with that?

http://www.hasbro.com/scrabble/home.cfm

Dee is a legitimate word and so is Ai. Here is a new word for them: Tatti