XM:Annihilation

And so it took all of thirty minutes but in the end the XM corporation was weakened and demoralized when I canceled my subscription. I battled hordes of evil representatives and withstood hours of hold music. I spoke to several of their minions and all wanted to know why I wanted to quit and that 'if I like' there were some super duper deals available. But they were no match for me and I spurned the treacherous bribes and thus I was victorious.

brother against brother rodent

A while back I introduced the more ignorant amongst you to the union Rat. The other day I saw a giant inflated Mighty Mouse balloon. If you do not know who mighty mouse is you are an idiot.

What was sad and disturbing is that Mighty Mouse was holding a smaller rat in one hand ostensibly suggesting that the smaller rat was weak and evil and that the good and wholesome Mighty Mouse was disciplining it for crossing union lines.

It is indeed a sad day when a rodent goes up against its own kind. What kind of world do we live in? They need to join forces and do what rodents do best, eat homeless people one nibble at a time.

Ever notice that there are more rats whenever a homeless guy disappears? I haven't, but it would be cool if it was true.

miscellania

Multitasking:
And so as I rescued my shirts from the lame ass cleaners there was a desi looking girl with a west indian accent talking on her cellphone.

As I waited for the world's most inefficient hispanic staff to find my shirts, everyone was listening to the girl's conversation. Here are some key snippets.

"Its been five months and ... if you want to leave me....I love you" *sobbing*

"I know I said that but it was just foolish things..." *sobbing*

"i love you"  and more *sobbing*

She was also deftly rearranging her clothes in the dryer at the same time.

Who are you mysterious girl who can do one-handed laundry while being dumped???


A boldfaced lie:
A lady zombie assured me there was a penguin on the roof but there wasn't. It had lied. Never trust the female undead.


Blaze of holy glory:
I ate chili chicken at Chinese Mirch and good lord did I suffer for it this morning. The excruciating burning in 'that' place  was an almost religious experience. If not for the TP for my bunghole I would have gone into a spiritual trance. I'm sure it was penance enough for several sins.

BOY caps

BOY caps are dumb.

There was some chump wearing one in the background of the Prabhu Deva youtube sent by Zen.

I don't know where they came from but I'm glad they are gone. Ditto for GIRL caps.

misquotes

So according to wikquote:

I woke up this mornin' and I got myself a beer."

• Correctly, according to the book "Light My Fire" by fellow Doors member Ray Manzarek, Jim Morrison was in fact singing "I woke up this mornin' and I got myself a beard", as the song allegedly tells of Morrison waking up after 3 weeks of drug induced sleep

They must have scurried to change the lyrics subsequent to the first time it was misheard and appreciated.

When i read the following, something inside me died.

• "Beam me up, Scotty" - James T. Kirk
  • From the Star Trek science fiction television series. Several variants of this do occur in the series, such as "Beam me aboard," "Beam us up home," or "Two to beam up," but "Beam me up, Scotty" was never said during the run of the original Star Trek series. However, the quote "Beam me up, Scotty" was uttered in Star Trek: The Animated Series. The movie Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home included the closest other variation: "Scotty, beam me up."

• "Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor not a..." - Leonard McCoy
  • From the Star Trek science fiction television series. McCoy had several lines of this sort, except that he never said "damn it". Only one "swear word" was used on the original Star Trek series (prior to the movies) and it was "hell," uttered on only a couple of separate occasions.

Somehow, the world is a little greyer without the common usage of these quotes. I need a moment. Jame T. Kirk is god.

Goa: our coastal cousins

When someone mentions Goa, you think of a warm beaches and European-influenced architecture and towns bustling with friendly locals and happy tourists. However, when I hear about Goa I think of a seething cesspit of drugged hippies and uncultured bums. In fairness though, I have never been to that cursed land and so I decided to research the tiny shithole and present my findings in an unbiased and objective manner. Our first stop on this long journey is wikipedia.

We learn that the name Goa probably derived from Sanskrit references which meant a 'Nation of Cowherds.' It was colonised by the Portuguese in the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries who bred with the primitive natives that at this point were believed to have a rudimentary toolmaking culture. Portugal has no real contributions to humanity except for a football team. Thus we deduce that today's modern goans are essentially cowfolk with some latent sports talent. Case in point being Leander Paes. His tennis skills are offset by his ancestral bovine instincts forcing him to play best only when in a herd, ie doubles tennis.

In recent past, the moronic denizens of that tropical latrine shunned their herd behaviour in an attempt to be independent. India was generous and supportive of this intent and in 1961 sent in a lot of armed troops to aid in this venture. To this date Goa remains a proud, independent, free country. Religiously it is a mix of Catholics, Hindooos and Moslems. A well integrated mix of idiots.

The goan people are renowned for their drinking prowess and complementary talent of sleeping like lazy bastards. This propensity towards alcoholism and laziness prevents them from taking up the primary occupation of those of the  non-metropolitan disposition, ie servanthood. When was the last time you met someone with Goan domestic aid? Probably never as they are unfit for even that.

However they are an optimistic people and they turned their skills towards the hospitality business allowing non-goans to partake of their booze and building hotels and beaches for people to sleep in. A clear case of using your weakness as a strength. Bravo you konkani morons, bravo.

Goa is also the home to Goa trance. To enjoy goa trance one must swallow several e's and 'dance' by moving only one limb at a time be that a hand or a foot. Moving multiple limbs may be mistaken for intelligence and so is socially frowned upon by liberal hippies and junkies. That covers all there is to know about Goan culture.

And so we have learned so much about Goa. We discussed their history, the people, the industry and the culture. I said wikipedia was the first stop and it will be the last too as I couldn't be bothered to look elsewhere. Before we leave, always remember never to come between a goan and his/ her feni. Their kind is know to bite viciously.

Goans are not outstanding.

A moral dilemma

Today I had to make a critical choice. After purchasing my soup and sandwich, I was obligated to select a free fruit.

I gazed upon a pile of unripe and discoloured apples. The first one I examined had a hole in it. The next was suffering from a dry, flaky complexion. The third one shattered my moral universe. I picked up it and turned it around for inspection and discovered a big-ass bug chilling out on the apple. What could I do?

Should I heroically throw the apple out to protect the lives of innocent bystanders? No its not my apple to throw, it belongs to the store and I'm sure as heck not sacrificing my free apple.

Should I deftly evict the bug leaving no one the wiser? Absolutely not. That was an ugly-ass bug and I wasn't going to touch it.

Should I show it to the owners and let them take care of it as they deem fit? No because that would shame and embarass them.

Someone had to be told, people need to know the truth. But then the bug began to crawl around and there was no time to ponder the question. I was consumed by panic and I asked myself what would Jesus do? How should I know? Then I asked myself what would Johnny Bravo do?

It was then clear that there was only one course of action available for the morally conscientious samaritan that I am. I gently placed the apple (bug et al) back where I found it and took a banana instead.

Snakes and Ladders

Snakes and ladders is retarded.

From the wiki article you can see that someone has patiently listed all the retarded rules.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snakes_and_ladders

What they have not bothered to explain and what is of key importance to everyone is why there is such a big ass snake right near the end. Many a noble victory has been sabotaged by that bastard. What kind of fiend would invent a snake that sends you three quarters of the board down??! It is devil work I tell ye.

Dark Side of the Moon

An otherwise excellent concert was marred by people smoking illicit drugs, people standing up to sing along to the songs and inappropriate, petty, mean, political comments about Dubya and Toni Blair. When I go to a rock concert I expect none of the above. I must say it was a shock to learn that Waters had such a potty mouth.

In addition there was a cartoon segment about a young Waters who finds the most hideous and deformed family in Lebanon. The lyrics for the segment were up on the screen possibly an invitation for peeps to sing along. We will refer to this part of the show as the Gay and Senile Side of the Moon.

It is good to note that people these days wave cell phones instead of lighters now. Shine on you crazy nokia.

A clever and amusing trick was to end 'Have a Cigar' exactly the way it does in the recordings.

But the star of the show was no doubt the giant floating remote controlled red-eyed pink pig which appeared to have been vandalized by hippies. I would like to see it ride the Gravy Train to my stomach.

rest-stop nazi

And the photochromatic bastard denied us the free drinksnacks that were our birthright.

LBO

LBO stands for leveraged buy out.

Surd is seeking a job in LBO. Here is a snippet from his email:

"if you google “how to get a LBO job” it throws  back “  did you mean how to get  a BLOW job”….i said to  myself..google is now a personalized service.."

lies and deceit

There are lies and then there are lies. A person may lie and we find it despicable. What if an entire culture lies? There is a culture that has deceived us and continues to deceive us. Damn those hispanic people, damn them. Not since we learned that soylent green is people, has such a revelation been seen. Yes for those of you who are too ignorant, soylent green is indeed made out of people. Charlton Heston said so.

Anyway the shocking truth is that refried beans are not in fact beans that were fried and then fried again. When I'm told a vodka is triple-distilled I expect it to be crisp and smooth. When I'm told that I'm eating refried beans I would damn well expect to benefit from a double frying experience. No it is boiled and then fried. There is no actual re-frying of the beans. If anything they are uni-fried beans. Why should I ever eat a burrito again when all I'm being fed is lies?

Hispanic people are despicable.  Humans are craven liars. Next I'll be told that that General Tso's chicken was not invented by the brilliant 19th century chinese military leader Zuǒ Zōngtáng.