Goa: our coastal cousins

When someone mentions Goa, you think of a warm beaches and European-influenced architecture and towns bustling with friendly locals and happy tourists. However, when I hear about Goa I think of a seething cesspit of drugged hippies and uncultured bums. In fairness though, I have never been to that cursed land and so I decided to research the tiny shithole and present my findings in an unbiased and objective manner. Our first stop on this long journey is wikipedia.

We learn that the name Goa probably derived from Sanskrit references which meant a 'Nation of Cowherds.' It was colonised by the Portuguese in the fifteenth and sixteenth centuries who bred with the primitive natives that at this point were believed to have a rudimentary toolmaking culture. Portugal has no real contributions to humanity except for a football team. Thus we deduce that today's modern goans are essentially cowfolk with some latent sports talent. Case in point being Leander Paes. His tennis skills are offset by his ancestral bovine instincts forcing him to play best only when in a herd, ie doubles tennis.

In recent past, the moronic denizens of that tropical latrine shunned their herd behaviour in an attempt to be independent. India was generous and supportive of this intent and in 1961 sent in a lot of armed troops to aid in this venture. To this date Goa remains a proud, independent, free country. Religiously it is a mix of Catholics, Hindooos and Moslems. A well integrated mix of idiots.

The goan people are renowned for their drinking prowess and complementary talent of sleeping like lazy bastards. This propensity towards alcoholism and laziness prevents them from taking up the primary occupation of those of the  non-metropolitan disposition, ie servanthood. When was the last time you met someone with Goan domestic aid? Probably never as they are unfit for even that.

However they are an optimistic people and they turned their skills towards the hospitality business allowing non-goans to partake of their booze and building hotels and beaches for people to sleep in. A clear case of using your weakness as a strength. Bravo you konkani morons, bravo.

Goa is also the home to Goa trance. To enjoy goa trance one must swallow several e's and 'dance' by moving only one limb at a time be that a hand or a foot. Moving multiple limbs may be mistaken for intelligence and so is socially frowned upon by liberal hippies and junkies. That covers all there is to know about Goan culture.

And so we have learned so much about Goa. We discussed their history, the people, the industry and the culture. I said wikipedia was the first stop and it will be the last too as I couldn't be bothered to look elsewhere. Before we leave, always remember never to come between a goan and his/ her feni. Their kind is know to bite viciously.

Goans are not outstanding.