Further notes from the delhi wilderness

I draw closer to death and blessed oblivion. With what remains of my strength,  I must not fail to reach for another kaju barfi. Then i continue this journal to save yer souls lest ye be damned...

1. I noticed that there was spinach in my cuticles. Sarson ka sag to be specific.

2. I have some observations about stool samples. I will reserve judgement on that till a later time.

3. I have not seen any monkeys, elephants, or camels yet. most disappointing.

4. Delhi is one of those places that incites a furious internal dialogue/debate about whether to breathe through your nose or mouth. Sometimes there are such exotic aromas in the air that one cannot bear them in a gentlemanly fashion. However if you breath through your mouth, it makes one feel that one is somehow tasting and consuming the noxious scent. Perhaps the civilized way is to stop breathing altogether and perish unsullied and dignified. In India, there are no easy answers...

5. I kill some mosquitoes. They bite me. The vicious cycle continues. They arm themselves with malaria, dengue and west nile. I pray for the return of DDT.

6. Today was a dry day. You cannot get alcohol anywhere due to impending elections

7. One of our neighbors has a drum kit. In every annual visit home, I find no improvement in the drummers skills. Perhaps he practices only when I visit. The turd.

8. Yesterday I taught the servant boy how to lock the front door with a key. Yes it had to be taught. The quality of help these days is somewhat at a low.

9. This top ten list is provided to you at a 10% discount. Hurrah!

notes from the delhi wilderness

I write these notes for those who follow me into this forsaken wilderness. as my last breath leaves me and I die in this foreign land, my bones would rest easier knowing that i tried to ward off disaster for those who come after...


1. I notice that its hard to walk without stepping on ants. The little ants are our friends and allies, take care not to mush them.

2. I saw a billboard. On top of this billboard there was a hawk. On top of that hawk, there was another hawk. The upper hawk was hopping up and down in the most enthusiastic manner. I wonder what they were doing.

3. A small beggar child perhaps a foot high trailed me outside dilli haat. through years of training I was able to ignore it till it was but a speck in my peripheral vision. Ha! wont get any money from me you little thieving fiends. Anyway, a car nearly whacked it and as a reflex I pushed the beggar child forward out of harms way. In retrospect, the car would have at the worst mildly shoved the odious little creature (like I ended up doing) and unfortunately for me, I had to quarantine my hand till I could get home and sterilise it. That'll teach me to show kindness.

4. While eating and drinking and making merry at QBA in the area formely known as Connaught Place, a cat ran in and hid behind our sofa. We summoned a lesser person to dispatch the creature and get another pitcher of the finest kingfisher they had. They chased it out with a stick.

5. Living in america has made me weak and feeble. I find myself inadvertently thanking waiters and doormen. The other day I held the door open for a busboy. An awkward situation all around.

6. I saw a puppy lying alone in the middle of an empy open paved courtyard at dilli haat. I suppose it is a sacrifice of some sort. I expect it and its kin are the secret ingredient for the famed momo section.

7. I saw two leopards humping. On tv.

8. I saw 5.5 movies on the trip from NYC to Delhi. I expect to see at least 6-8 movies on the way back. That leads us to an expected total of at least 12 movies for the cost of $1175.  A healthy bargain of under $100 per movie. Oh yeah, and I get to travel for free from NYC to Delhi and back!

9. If one must look at Delhi cars through 'Western' eyes, one would be most amused to note that Honda Civics can be cahuffeur driven. Note that at one point, sticking a little fan inside the car was the height of luxury and comfort.

What is palpable?

This is the definition of palpable:

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/palpable

So what is something that is palpable? Who really cares? I leave that quest to lesser mortals. I instead scoured the murky and dangerous w w w in search of those things that are in the past, historic and ancient. I seek for what WAS palpable. Why? Coz thats how I roll. yeeayh

So i did actually google the exact text string "was palpable" to see what kind of usage there existed on the net. After many pages of scrolling i got bored and here are my results.

These objects can be classified into a couple of broad categories

MEDICAL:
Seems like those fiendish dactar sahibs and madams have appropriated this word for their fiendish purposes. See what they've been feeling up:
enlarged cervical lymph node
testis
bladder
solitary lesion
femoral pulse
lesion
short saphenous vein
spleen
cardiac impulse
liver
tumor
fetal head

EMOTION:
Maybe its all those EMO turds out there who do this but all of these have been declared palpable:
emotion
hatred
excitement
sexual energy
fear in the air
tension
wonder on their faces
fear on her face
uncertainty
relief
despair
sense of dread
befuddlement
sense of determination
elation
grief
anticipation
arrogance
levity
anger
frustration
decency
attraction
thrill
enthusiasm
sheer vivacity
rapport
love

Awww the wuv between them was palpable awwww. Turds. its more like eey omg how gross, like.


STUFF
Yeah the good stuff. Well sort of:
stench of death and rotting flesh
thick night air
momentum
aridity
visual influcence
absence
body
surreal poverty and depression- I love it when this is palpable :)
change
air of mystery and suspense
Turd

I didn't find that last item in google and maybe my enemies will use that oversight against me. But just in case let me declare that probably sometime, somewhere a Turd was palpable. Hah! Now google will find it and its official.

oldie but goldie

periodically i google for my favourite news stories and hope that some sort of follow up i available. But alas journalists are slackers and can't be relied to do anything useful.

Anyway, this is an old but true story for which I can't get a leget link. By legit I mean like an accredited news source. Somehow this brilliant story has been forgotten by the ungainly youth of today. I wish there was more info available on what happened later.

http://www.8bm.com/diatribes/volume01/025/509.htm

Despite the somewhat subjective re-rerporting style of this writer, that really is what happened. (long time ago mind you)

Elephants came, man ran up tree. Elephant pulled him off and broke his legs. Other villagers tried scaring the pachyderm off and dumbo laid the smackdown on hapless man (There was actually a significant period between elephant taking posession of broken man and killing him). Elephant then roamed around with the corpse and took it with him everywhere. Thats awesome. Animals are great. especially Indian animals. They take babies, trample humans, feed on dogs, eat humans, get drunk, take the bus, steal things. I am not making any of this up.

P.S. There was an unverified rumour that some sort of predator like a leopard or something took off with the body as a snack.

I can see fuzzy people.

One of the great things about having a doctor friend is that you learn new things all the time. Unfortunately sometimes that freaky new fact may be about you.

For example, I've always known that I am myopic. Its not hard to notice that. Its the inability to see more than a few inches away that reminds me of that condition. This past week I learnt that not only am I myopic, I am PATHOLOGICALLY myopic. I suppose I've been that way for years but now I have a more accurate label. Wow thats just great. Pathological is never a positive description and despite it being a medical condition it has the stigma of somehow being your fault. Like pathological liars. Damn those untruthful fiends. Does this mean I can park in those sweet handicapped spots? Hell no, only someone who is LEGALLY blind can do that. See how much better and legit that sounds. Legally blind. You are such a good person. Here take the best parking spots and some tax breaks and disability pay. Oh none for me, you see I am pathologically myopic.. yes, exactly I am crazy eyed.

Enjoy the limited vision of your luxurious lives you legally blind twats. The day will come, when us pathological myopics will rise up to take what is ours. Beware the rabble that wears very thick glasses. Shudder when we whip out saline drops for our dry eyes. Do not fear our peripheral vision though as thats not great and if there is a humidity/temperature differential we may need a few minutes to defog our glasses but even so we will prevail. Rise up short sighted comrades, lets us march upon the darkened world of these misty eyed freaks and take their work dogs. Wait nobody move, i dropped a contact lens.