The politest girl

She walked into the doctor's office stumbled over a rug and fortuitously fell onto a chair. The doctor looked up briefly and returned to the crossword he'd been working on all morning.

"Hello dactar shahib." She purred.

"Ah, Ms. Burningyellowcandles. I presume you are here to talk about your recent operation? I'm looking at your case report right now. Have you been drinking?" He stared at the clue for 5-Across.

"Of courshe not I'm completely shuber and pleashe dactar, call me Khemcho. Do you mind if I have a digarette?"

"Er... yes Khemcho go ahead. So about the job we did on your noggin. After we opened the skull, we were surprised by the development of certain parts of your brain."

"Am I espeshially shmart?!" Khemcho slurred, leaning forward in anticipation.

"Um, no. In fact, most of the cognitive functions were below the level of a toddler or perhaps equal to that of a retarded dog. What was fascinating was the malinguadinga lobe."

"The whaaaa?" Khemcho drooled with the effort to comprehend the big word.

The doctor glared at her.

"In layman's terms, its the part of the brain that controls foul language. Your lobe comprised over 95% of your brain. To be frank, you have a potty mouth. In fact..."

He paused to smile kindly "In fact dear, we took the liberty of putting in a little microchip. It might, er, alter your potty mouth tendencies. "

"Thish is bogush dactar. I won't believe any of this microship nonshenshe." Khemcho stood up indignantly. She stormed out of the office, banged into the doorway and turned around. Her eyes narrowed in anger.

"YOU KNOW WHAT? THANK YOU!"

From that day forth, Khemcho was know as the politest girl in Booty College. It was noted that she was always thanking people no matter what they said to her.

Archie vs the Punisher vs Wussy

And Wussy just won in this dirty mongrel of a comic: Archie vs. the Punisher or in their own wussy words "The Punisher Meets Archie". Since when did the Punisher start 'meeting' people? He kills them. Not this time as Marvel and Archie get together for this crossover which I bought for one dollar too much.

Wussy is the key word here. The Archie aspect of the story remains wussy, i.e. no spooning between Betty and Veronica. Even worse, the Punisher is also wussified, he does not kill a single person.

Wussiest crossover ever.

Carry on Kogi

"...girl...you'll be a woman soon.." Kogi Kashewnut hummed tunelessly while admiring himself in a full length mirror. He had made a decision. A decision he needed to share with his bestest friend.

He called up Zen who answered after two rings. "Hello?"

"What up da?!" Kogi yelled. "No I mean, Konnichi wa Zen san!"

"Oh hey Kogi. What's going on?"

"Oh Zen san, I can't tell you da. I have found my calling in life!"

Zen sighed and braced himself. "Go on Kogi, what is it now?"

"Zen san, I have seen a movie that has changed my life. I am inspired to take up a profession with an ancient heritage. I am going to be a..."

"Hold up a minute Kogi. Haven't we has this conversation already? You cannot be a samurai, ok?"

"Zen san, I humbly be begging forgiveness for samurai nonsense! That was just a foolish, childish impulse da. My new way of life is civilized and sophisticated! I am going to be the greatest geisha in all of Pigeonville!"

Zen choked and silent tears came to his eyes. After a moment he asked tentatively. "Um, Kogi? What makes you think you should be a geisha?"

"Listen da , I mean Zen san. Wait just one minute I will explain why I can do this. See, all this time I am thinking that I am not Japanese so I cannot be geisha, no da? But after seeing fillum, the veil has been stripped from my eyes! The woman who was the hero geisha was not Japanese. She is Chinese! See, you see you need not be Japanese!"

Kogi paused to take a breath and he continued. "You should see me in my kimono and makeup now. I am looking too pretty da! Oh, Oh back to topic da! Then you will ask what about ability to speak Japanese? You see after watching the film, I have learnt they speak English just like you and me! What do you think of that?! I am phully phit and qualified!"

Zen tried reluctantly to humour his poor, mislead friend. "Well Kogi, I'm not sure I've seen a successful geisha wearing glasses."

"No Problem da! I mean san!" Kogi yelled cheerfully. I have eye problem so did hero geisha. Her eyes were all clouded over. I am thinking some serious cataract or like. See no problems at all. Fully qualified. So now I am studying hard at geisha school. Soon I put my mizuage up for bidding."

"Er, Kogi. I doubt that you qualify as a fresh virgin"

"Nonsense. Don't try to fool me like that wicked Hatsumoma did! I can assure you that no man's eel has visited by womanly cave yet. I hope it will be the chairman who wins, he is just sooo dreamy! Why should I not dream? Who says the bunny can't play above the rim?"

Zen dry heaved for a few minutes before taking the next flight from Canadia to Pigeonville and administering a vicious beating to Kogi.

KS:Origins

Kogi Kashewnut was lazing aroung his apartment one day. He was stoned and watching his favourite program, Will & Grace. He had just rolled a joint and was looking forward to demeaning himself in front of his peer group. He lit and it and took a long drag holding it in. He exhaled deeply but nothing came out.

"Chey!" he exclaimed. "By my maire, I am confounded!"

He took another puff and another and nothing came out. He jumped and cussed and jumped and rocked himself in the fetal position but nothing happened. There squatting on the floor he was about to give up in despair when he saw a wisp of smoke above his head and then some more. He took a long drag and there was more smoke floating above him.

"Very odd" he thought to himself, "if the smoke isnt coming out of my mouth, my nose or my ears..then where, da?" It was then when he looked at a mirror and knew his life had changed.

Kogi called up his bestest buddy in the whole wide world. "What up Da?!" he yelled.

"Oh, hey Kogi. Whats the matter?"

"Oh Zen, I can't tell you da. I have a new power da."

"Kogi, is this more foolishness?" Zen asked sternly "Like the time you said you could make your hand disappear and all you did was put it in your pocket?"

"Oh Zen, please to be giving forgiveness for that. But by Jove, I am having real superpower, mutant gene, metahuman style. I am being the total X-man!"

"For god's sake Kogi, spit it out!" Zen said firmly but evenly.

"I have developed a superpower...the power to blow smoke out of my arse!!!"

"Your powers have grown indeed. But remember these words young eli maire. With great power comes great irritability. Notably, a dry, scratchy rectum."

Young Kogi did not hear his words. He had been chosen for a cause, the greater good.

"From this day forth, I will be know as the KUNDI STONER, the arse that smokes"

Disguised as a mild, mannered coder the Kundi Stoner works tirelessly to bring truth, justice and disposable ashtrays for all the world.



This post made possible by
www.rhymezone.com
www.insultmonger.com

Satellite radio goes senile

As if there weren't enough reasons not to get an XM
radio (thanks a lot Kogi and Zen bastards), here's one
more

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/12/14/arts/14dyla.html

Lousy senile mumbling fool...

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outstanding!!!!

zeminky likes the phrase "outstanding"

zeminky is my friend.

therefore i too shall adopt the phrase "outstanding".

zeminky is outstanding.

the travelling circus is pretty kick ass too. perhaps even outstanding.

i lurve the travelling circus.

ok. they are outstanding.

soon i shall be standing outside. but i shall not be outstanding.

ps i am drunk

what is the 'bastardisation of oatmeal'..?

Barry called Zeminky the other day.. and between bursts of traded abuse, Zeminky boasted of his prowess as a drunk.

Barry dazzled him with his knowledge of the magic potion that creates the brotherhood of man.

"Minky", he said, "did you know that Vermouth is a bastardisation of the 'wormwood'..?"

Minky did not know.

"Aaaargh" he shouted in retort.. "be that as it may, YOU are the BASTARDISATION OF OATMEAL.."

This parable tells you nothing. But it does solve that mystery for me.

The only phrase more baffling is the 'pompatus of love'..

Did Minky inspire Steve Miller? And what the fuck is a pompatus? Answers on a postcard please.

What up, Da?

Kogi Kashewnut concentrated on his monitor while he typed furiously. His fingers pounded the keyboard and it took him a few minutes to realise his phone was ringing.

"What up da?" he yelled into the receiver typing with one hand now. It was the boss, a summons to the office.

Kogi swaggered into the the boss' office. "What up da?" he yelled again.

"Kogi, I don't think you're doing any work at all"

"But boss, ask anyone da. I am typing code like a mad maniac."

"I don't know you if you realise this, Kogi, but we monitor all keystrokes. We're getting nothing from your station."

Kogi was stunned, his devious plan was undone. Well his devious plan was to have a coder in India do all his work and with every keystroke on his keyboard, one letter or digit of the coder's work would appear on his monitor. Unfortunately, Kogi was too much of a kundi stoner to implement that plan. But now the game was up. He looked around for an exit, a scapegoat. Yes, a scapegoat was what he needed.

He put on his best confused expression.

'But Boss, the only thing that could mean is that some fool unplugged my keyboard!"

"Some fool unplugged your keyboard and I take it that you were concentrating too much to notice?"

The plan was working! "Yes da!"

"Did you unplug your own keyboard, Kogi?"

"yes Da! That's exactly it! I was too busy coding to notice that I was the fool unplugging my keyboard."

Kogi spun around on his heels and cooly walked out of the office and the building itself. He had done well, he rolled a joint and burnt his nose trying to light it. He took a drag and nodded to himself.

"You did well today Kogi old boy. The night is young and so am I. I think its time to head out to have some fun."

He jumped into the kundimobile and sped off towards Booty College.

who's that criminal mastermind..?

Well, I'll tell you who its not..

Me.

I went to watch a movie today. And as it ended, I noticed another movie was starting up in the next cinema. Eager to be cheap, not pay for a second ticket and indulge in some victimless crime, I pondered on the job for a few seconds while in the loo, and then snuck into the second movie..

hoohoo.

Except that even this act raised my heart rate. I couldnt figure out how I could be caught (except for some gestapo style random ticket check at the cinema.. which never happens).. but still..

I could almost hear the Mission Impossible theme playing in my head as I walked into the second movie.."your mission, should you choose to accept it..."

I'm obviously not cut out to be Ethan Hunte just quite yet.

Bummer.. guess I'll have to stay a damn upstanding citizen after all.

Oh yeah, and both movies sucked.

encounters with the divine

did I forget to mention that I spotted the incarnation of music himself?!!!!

At a channel [V] (pronounces wee) party in good ol'dilli we were graced with the divine presence of none other than MISTER BAPPI LAHIRI. He came in bathed in the glow photo flashes, dressed in immaculate white sweat pants, white shirt, white shoes and a gaudy black vest with a mullet and big-ass sunglasses.

the high point was when he mounted the DJ booth and belted out "I am a disco daayncerrr" .


Auuwa, Auuwa indeed Mr Lahiri. Good show, good show.