zen and the art of haircutting

there is a popular cultural notion that barbers, are a hub of news and gossip. In the olden days, it was unsurprising that you would reveal all you know to a man with a razor at your neck and sharp instruments near your eyes. Nowadays with lawsuits and clippers, its harder to mutilate your customers for information.

The other day, two years ago, I went to a barber.  A male straight barber in hell's kitchen? Wow I thought to myself. Finally a chance to get a real haircut. Not that weak wussy clipping you get from the female hairdressers at SuperCuts. The man was a grizzled gregarious uzbek. How could he do wrong?

I'll tell you what he did wrong. He kept calling me Raj. Why? According to him every second indian is named after the great Raj Kapoor. He called him great, I didn't. How was I to have known that I had walked into the den of an ex-soviet desi culture assimilating fiend. Damn you cold war, your legacy lives on. I think he even sang some old hindi songs. I don't remember.

And that is their latest tactic. Unable to coerce secret information from you, they use their especially designed metal cutting thingys to skim information off your brain. Thats right, they steal the data from your head! thats why i cant remember the exact details of the haircut that happened two years ago. the fiends!!!! Slowly after many sessions of this hairdata theft, I am left thinner of scalp protection. I know what you, the reader, are thinking. You think I am suffering from paranoid delusions of barber conspiracy theories and that my hair loss is due to age and poor diet. How I wish we lived in such a naive world, a fool's paradise but alas the threat is all too real. You have nothing to fear from hairstylists, they are harmless but old school barbers clip stuff right out of your brain. Still don't believe me? There is a group of individuals renowned for their intellect and wisdom who protected themselves from this attack centuries ago. Surds. Damn right, no haircuts, no brain loss from the 15th century onwards bitch. Their efforts speak for themselves...

consider yourself warned, Beware the sweeney todds of the world and no i don't mean wussy singing johnny depp ones, I is talking about hardcore Ben Kingsley ones....the demon barber of fleet street is coming to get you and pick at your thoughts so that he can look knowledgeble for his next customer.

I'm not convinced you understand the immensity of the situation. Very well, I will reveal one more sub sect of the chosen people who can vouch for the danger of those who wish to know your secrets. Smurfs! hell yeah, smurfs are totally protective of their secrets. Do you know where their secret village is? I bet not. And yes smurfs are a highly evolved variety of surds. See the picture here:

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Papa_Smurf


So young reader, heed my words. so If you ever go to a barber who calls you Raj, you can deduce that you probably a desi

use vs abuse

The following text is from the website above the influence (which may or may not help up help one particular hairy bastard who needs to be destroyed anyway)

The text has been slightly modified for content and context. If you find you know people suffering from the signs of addiction, call 611.

what are the signs?

If your friend does one or more of the following, you should talk to him/her.

If he/she:

• Passes bowel movements on a regular basis.
• Poops or farts when he/she is alone.
• Shows up at school after having defecated or has skipped class to use the toilet.
• Needs books while pooping to have a good time or poops to cope with everyday life.
• Plans for shitting in advance.
• Starts hanging out with new friends who will also crap with him/her or can shit for him/her.
• Lies about pooping.
• Pressures others to poo.
• Has broken plans with you, or showed up late, because he/she was crapping.
• Shows little interest in or quits sports or activities he/she once enjoyed.
• Has driven a car while defecating.
• Borrows or steals money to buy toilet paper.

how will my friend react?

If your friend insists that his or her pooping isn't a big deal, don't be too surprised – this is a pretty common response. But don't let this stop you from talking to your friend. Chances are that he or she will see that you're concerned.

Also study these comebacks as using them will totally protect you from peer pressure

http://www.abovetheinfluence.com/help/comebacks-printable.aspx

childhood memories

what was cool about childhood? Toys! yay!

whats were the cool toys? He-Man! hell yeah!

Which action figure did I have? Stinkor! booyah!

What or who is Stinkor? Check it out here at wikipedia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stinkor

Wow, what a power to have!

At a time when all toys were America-centric, Stinkor was a shining example for indian boys and girls. No blond, blue eyed hero would have the appeal that the humble stinkor clearly did.

And see now, so many years later and all grown up, the average engineering student is:

evil, ugly and stinking to high heaven. Why, there must be millions of desi stinkors of both genders roaming around across the world!

Hurray for he-man! boo to deodarant and personal hygiene, boo!

How to avoid being a tragedy

There are many news stories these days about domestic violence, shooting sprees, death by neglect, chimpanzee attacks, etc. Horrific, tragic incidents that could be happening to you in your own neighborhood.

Through a detailed study of these cases in the media, I have noticed that there is way of predicting where the most tragic incidents can be expected. This study indicates that someone living in these places is in danger of being the subject of a tragic news story. Be warned, you may be surprised. The most tragic deaths occur in:

Tree lined streets in quiet neighborhoods.

Do you live in such a place? Do you wave to and greet your neighbors each time you see them? Do you have families with children living in your hood? Does everyone around you seem pleasant and cordial? If the answer is yes, your death, when reported about, will be indeed tragic.

If it is any consolation, there will be appropriate levels of shock in response to the police investigation in your house. Rest assured that your friendly neighbors will mutter in disbelief while they recount mundane anecdotes of your interactions with them to the media. Still that is a small consolation to you. The only way to avoid your death being reported as a tragedy is to move out of these tragedy inducing hell holes.

Here is my advice. Move to dingier, dilapidated parts of town. Live in a condemned warehouse. Go to the abandoned waterfront for your living needs. Frequent areas of known gang activity. Be assured that if you die here, your death will come as no surprise to anyone. In fact, once your habits are known to all, there will be smug sense of "he got it coming" or "told you that fool gonna get a cap in his ass" amongst your friends and family. Who doesn't like to say 'i told you so' eh?

What would you rather have your legacy be? Disbelief,shock and the shameful label of a 'tragedy'? no my friend, you need to move to the ghetto.

P.s. avoid becoming homeless, for some inane reason homeless deaths are considered tragic. Its a circle. I suppose its related to how much of the blame of the death can be put upon your own actions. Homeless people are let off scot free for dying of starvation or pneumonia. useless smelly turds.

Next time we will discuss staying away from 'conflct' commodities such as diamonds or blood diamonds as they are know. Does your gas help or hinder terrorism? Here a preview tip, In the supermarket stay away from Blood-Oranges. Children in africa work in underground mines to get those and then as further trauma are put in kanye west videos.

UNIX

I was using a grep & awk statement to parse out filesize information from an ftp serverand noticed and unusual thing. A string concatenated to this output would disappear partially. Something hidden and invisible was eating up text. The systems administrator identified it as the chupacabra. I had incorrectly assumed it was the Yeti or a carriage return character.

anyhoo, a little bit of dos2unix killed the critter. And once the beast was dead, there was much rejoicing in Yephtaphee shire