yay!

And so I was lurking outside a shi-shi salon near my
home wondering if they did a $10 haircut.
Unfortunately everyone in the store looked gay. The
barbers/hairstylists, the customers and the person
sweeping the floor were all gay. The problem is that
in my neighborhood that means extravagantly gay
prices.

So I called up Ashal (the islamo-bastardisation of
asshole) to have him look up the prices on the net.
And he invented a new word to describe the salon,
'yay'. Which means Yuppie+Gay. Much like Badong from
Kung-Pow which is Bad+Wrong and also like NSync which
means Stupid+Annoying+Shitmonkeys. Ashal then died
from Hepatitis-M which as we all know is the muslim
variation of virus. RIP Ashal RIP.

Anyway I retreated from the yay salon. Tonight I shall
attempt to acquire the services of Angy's Unisex salon
for $12. I think a middle-aged hispanic lady named
Angy is suitably anti-yay. If you say I am balding, I
will destroy you.

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US Open 2005

And so I have remembered some things about last year's
US Open.

1. I saw Agassi play. He demolished the opponent.
Watching top seeds vs unranked players on the first
day of the tournament just sucks.

2. Statement 1. is partially incorrect. What I saw was
Agassi's bald head play as my seat was directly above
him, several thousand feet high.

3. I saw a very close match between unranked players.
The match was close because both players sucked more
than each other. It was five sets of crap. Donald
Trump was watching that match with interest thus
proving he is a big idiot.

4. After Bhupathi, Leander Paes has had a string of
doubles partners. One of these was Martina
Navratilova. Maybe Paes wanted her for the men's
doubles but I saw them play in the mixed doubles. The
audience consisted ONLY of Indians and Lesbians.

5. After the 2004 US Open I ate a heavy indian meal in
jackson heights and wanted to finish it off with super
heavy and ghee-infused badam halwa. It was nowhere to
be found in jackson heights or 28th & lex(curry hill)
or near alphabet city. In desperation we even checked
desi convenience stores. In one of these stores we
found Sarah Jessica Parker and Mathew Broderick
drinking tea. They are both short and hence big
idiots.

6. I saw an episode of Sex and the City for the first
time recently. Had I know what a shit show it was I
would have smacked Parker upside the head and then I
would have smacked Broderick upside the head too. I'd
hit Broderick maybe once more after that. Short stupid
gits.

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Macadamian nuts -revisited

And so I looked up Macadamian nuts on wikipedia.

1. There is no country called Macadamia. I assumed
that they came from Hawaii or Polynesia but noooo they
are Australian.

2. They are named after some dude called John Macadam.
That is a pretty stupid name.

3. It is indecent to name food after yourself. Saying
you like Macamdamian nuts is like saying "I like
John's nuts." Gross. To make matters worse they are
also referred to as Bush Nuts. Any references I've
made to Macadamian Nuts are to be henceforth replaced
by 'Scooby Snacks' or better yet 'Cheesy Poofs'.

4. They are toxic to dogs. They eat them and can't use
their back feet anymore. After a couple of days they
will be ok. What a stupid reaction to John's nuts.

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Life is like a tin of mixed nuts you never know what you're going to get...

So the booger asked me a question.

Zeminky: Let me put it this way. At work, in the
kitchen there is a tin of mixed nuts labelled as
having less than 50% peanuts. When I grab a handful, I
bring up peanuts, cashews, walnuts, almonds and
hazelnuts. But what is extremely rare is that there
might be a macadamian nut. It is that which I seek,
the ultimate of nuts, not the other lowly nuts.

Booger: But you see, you must go through the peanuts
etc. to get to the macadamian nut.

Zeminky:No. When I see a macadamian nut, I will know
it for what it is.

Booger: Sometimes a macadamian nut can look like a
peanut.

Zeminky: Never! When I find a macadamian nut I will
know it for sure.

Then I proceeded to pound his head against the table
and after a few slams he died. RIP booger, RIP.

And the question he asked was "Why are you
disinterested in women?"

He should have said uninterested. That is why I killed
him. Only I am worthy of using the word
'disinterested' without ambiguity and confusion.

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