Pimps for Jesus!

This week, we have a special contribution from a dear friend of mine.. Goldie McDawg..
Over to you Mr McDawg..

People accuse us pimps of being immoral. But I say to you.. I have found the Lord and do his bidding in my work.

1. The Lord, or his representative on earth, the Rev Pat Robertson, sayeth to me.. that we shall stop the scrouge of AIDS if people abstain till they are married. So I only employ married women.
2. The Lord, or his representative on earth, the Rev Pat Robertson, sayeth to me.. it was the sin of Eve that cast man from the garden. So I figures, she's good with playing with the snake and all.
3. I do this as a charity. I help the downtrodden.. like them on crack and all..

So dont hate. Instead, join one of my organizations- Pimps for Jesus, Pimps for Bush, or Pimps for Life.

gender specific insult

And so in a humorous way I called a girl an asshole. Its not like she didn't deserve it, she estimated my age as thirty and hence she is an asshole.

But even when I say those words, it feels wrong. Not guilt but a feeling that there is a more important issue at stake. And the issue is whether asshole is a masculine only insult or not? It just doesnt sound right for a girl. Its like calling a girl a jerk, the mantle (tiara?) doesn't fit well. Is it because there is the always applicable uber-insult such as the one-size-fits-all 'bitch'? Is it because 'bitch' is always appropriate that we are left unable to use other cuss words for women? Is bitch the little black dress of insults?

You can call a guy a bitch though. Its demeaning and a little too intimate. Bitch is like the opposite of asshole. Like black and white on the ying-yang twins symbol. So maybe calling a girl an asshole is like a friendly and respectful punch on the arm saying you're one of the guys. That makes sense because I am all about equality and respect for women. Yeah , the bitches and hos, I bet they like dat.

Coroneus vs Cornholio

And so the boundaries between the land of the dead and the land of the living was weakened and dark slimy creatures crawled into the light blinking their pale sightless eyes.

One of these foul creatures, Barry:The shadow of the booger, was the first to run out only to trip over his own retarded feet. As he lurched up he saw a mighty figure towering over him.

"Uh oh, I hope its not Mad Amos Malone again!" Barry yelped.

The figure stood with his arms raised by his face, palms out. His T-shirt was pulled over his head, covering his hair so only his face could be seen. After silencing the booger with his unblinking, intense stare the figure shrieked

"ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!"

Barry cowered in fear. "Who, who are you?" he stammered in fear

"I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO. I COME FROM LAKE TITICACA!"

Barry was scared, so scared. Snot dripped from his nose. He licked some off his lip.

"What do you want from me?" Barry cried out.

"I WANT T.P. FOR MY BUNGHOLE!" Cornholio shouted.

Barry rolled into the fetal position and started sobbing.

"What is this bunghole?"

"I HAVE NO BUNGHOLE!!!" Cornhilo roared

"BOW TO ME!!!"

"I AM FROM LAKE TITICACA!"

"BUNGHOLEO-O-O-O-O!!!"

It was all too much for the booger and he died from fright and fell face down in the mud. Soemtime later, a raccoon ate part of him and wandered off into the forest where he stopped short on sight of a towering figure.

"ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!" Cornholio roared at the raccoon.

If you see something, say something

If you think the title is the catchphrase of the game
'I spy' you are an idiot because I am talking about
security. In the new order of things, we are required
to be vigilant against those who would seek to harm
our way of life. As Deputy Fire Warden of the 22nd
floor, I applaud the latest security policies
established in my building: a lock for the men's
bathroom. No not a lock for a private bathroom, but a
lock for the entire room which has the stalls and
urinals.

It brings me great joy to use a key everytime I gotta
pee or crap. I feel safe knowing that if I forgot my
keys, I would be locked out of both the bathroom and
my office. Would I wander forever in the limbo
hallway? Its a small price to pay for safety and
security on the 22nd floor.

I also appreciate that my key is stamped 'Ladies.' An
additional safety precaution no doubt to confuse
villains who would try and sneak into the men's bathroom.

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firestarter

And so I have been promoted in the ranks. From nothing
I have risen to the number two man. Who does number 2
work for you may ask?

Lets go back to that fateful friday last weeks when
wailing sirens and an intercom announcement disturbed
my internet surfing.

We go to the lobby for the stupid fire drill and the
guy doing the test learned that the designated fire
warden was no longer working on our floor. He made an
executive decision to promote the current Deputy Fire
Warden up to Fire Warden. In the chaos that followed I
defeated my enemies and established my dominion. It
helped that I was the only one who could take the job
because the other employees were part time. And so I
am the new Deputy Fire Warden of the 22nd floor.

My first act of power was to look around in a confused
manner and ask where the stairs were.

One day I shall be the Fire Warden and you will
respect my authoritah.

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