Jalapenos

and so I ate some jalapenos.

They burn my mouth on the way in and burn my rectum on the way out.

Jalapenos are outstanding.

Barry loves fiction

Barry wandr'd lonely as a cloud when all at once he tripped and landed face first on some goat droppings. Along came Captain Ahab who pointed to Barry and told Ishmael
"Aaar. It be the white whale's speckled stale turd"

Out of the bushes, the white rabbit ran up to smack Barry upside the head. The walrus shook his head disapprovingly.

"Mr. Rabbit you'll dirty your splendid gloves!"

The carpenter worked industriously to make some sort of wooden implement which he handed to a a small boy.Young Hiawatha carefully used the paddle to beat Barry on the spinal cord.

Barry leapt up holding his hands in front of him.

"For shame! For shame! Is this what literary figures do when no one is watching? Hiawatha, do you think Pocohontas would approve of this violence? And you, Huckleberry Finn! Don't think I don't see that slingshot. Why you're no better than Injun Joe!"

Both Hiawatha and Huck threw down their weapons and looked embarassed.

Barry stared and them sternly and turned around.

"Brave Horatius. In your day you single handedly defended the bridge across the Tiber against the armies of Lars Porsena of Clusium. Look at you now! Tormenting a booger? Is that courage?"

Horatius mumbled an apology.

Barry began chiding a group of pixies when the most badass literary figure of all time loomed out of the shade. A ragged cheer rang out in the clearing.

An enormous mountain man rode upon on his giant horse Worthless. He dismounted and walked up to Barry and smacked him upside the head so hard that some of the goat pellets fell out of his mouth. Barry began an indignant repartee when the giant picked him up, bent him over and shoved his head up his own ass. He continued protesting but the words were muffled and unintelligible. The giant man finished rolling Barry into an approximately spherical state before kicking him like a football far out of the world of fiction.

And then pulling his wolf head hat low over his face "Mad Amos" Malone rode out into the sunset.

The Aristocrats

so i saw this movie called the aristocrats and it was a load of crock. But then they challenge you to do the joke in your own style and I must obey the written word if it comes on TV or its cousin the big screen. So here goes...

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look.

So the father, mother, son, daughter and dog don military-issue gas masks and drag in a heavy casket. The talent agent leans forward. He is intrigued by the dog's ability to put on a gas mask.

With a fluorish, the family opens up the casket and use sharp sticks to prod the still shape within. There is a muffled hiss and a foul odour oozed out of the casket. The mother pulls out a pungi (snake charmer flute, buy em at http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B0002JKGMQ/002-7467249-5990410?v=glance)
and begins to play an exotic lilting tune. barry's hideous face appears above the edge of his wooden prison. He flicks out his tongue to 'taste' the air. Unfortunately he gets a whiff of his own sickening stench and coughs violently.

The mother sways her flute from side to side. The tune becomes faster, more urgent. It is an ancient hindoostani melody in the raag taakiton theron by the legendary composer Guru Riyu Spee-Duagaon. Barry's head follows the flute. The mother gently urges him out of the box. Her family waits eagerly. Hissing phlegmatically he is mesmerised by the flute's movements. Anyone who's the seen the magnificent deadly dance of a cobra and snake charmer would have been revolted by the sight of barry rising out of the casket. In fact, even people who've never seen a cobra get revolted by the sight of barry, true fact.

The flute played, barry swayed rising two feet over the edge. "Quick! Now!" yelled the father and with exquisite timing the family (including the dog, the agent leans forward again) pulled out side handle batons (buy em here http://www.selfdefenseproducts.com/akd.htm) and administered a vicious beating on barry. The children and dog looked adorable damging his internal organs with well placed jabs. The mother was all grace breaking his nose and busting his teeth. The father was brute force cracking ribs and vertebrae. After several minutes the family stops. The children are fatigued and the mother is winded. Only the father and dog are still active. He picks up the pooch and holds him above barry who is slumped motionless over the side of the box. The dog poops on barry's face. The family lines up and bows dramatically.

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"

The agent gets up from his desk, walks over to the casket and smacks barry upside the head. He takes out a handkerchief and wipes some blood off his hand and turns to the family.

"I'll tell you what. That there dog is talented. I saw him handle that baton and he's good but with my help he could be better. If you'll just sign here and here (and here) and initial here I'll begin training and get him into the tournament."

And so began the career of Fifi "the poodle" Naseem who was the small mammal illegal cage combat gladiator champion till, ironically, a particularly nasty cappucino helper monkey left him paralysed from the neck up.